The Autumn
by RainaParker
Summary: Years before someone had told him that the seasons represented the stages of life. Spring was birth, summer the prime of life, fall symbolized dying, and winter death.
1. Chapter 1

Autumn was his favorite season. Years before someone had told him that the seasons represented the stages of life. Spring was birth, summer the prime of life, fall symbolized dying, and winter death. He absently wondered what it said about him that the time of year he cherished the most was synonymous with dying. Not sure if the symbolism matter.

The temperatures dropped some but weren't really cold just more bearable. There was a crispness to the nights that made sleep come more easily. The smell of decay was pleasant to him as leaves crunched beneath his feet.

Even the food was better during this time of year. From fresh picked apples to crockpots steaming with spicy chilli. He would take that over half rancid potato salad that had sat out for a questionably long time on a too hot day.

His morning run was invigorating without the muggy air and clothing sticking to him before he even started to jog. The cooler air burned within his throat a bit but the feeling was almost enjoyable after the heat of summer.

Maybe it was years of operating in climates far to hot to seen possible of sustaining life he wasn't sure. He would take Autumn over any other season though of that he was sure. Dying or not.


	2. Chapter 2

Turning on the coffee maker to reheat yesterday's brew he walked toward his shower. Clay and Trent would have a fit drinking reheated coffee. He liked the added bitterness.

The hot water ran over him as the stale coffee started to steam. Aching muscles relaxed under the stream. The water reddening his skin.

The towel loosely wrapped he padded toward the tar water. No cream, no sugar. Black. It burned going down. He could feel it on his lips, sliding down his throat, and finally hitting his stomach. The bitter taste lingered.

One cup down he grabbed yesterday's jeans from his couch where they had been discarded. A clean t-shirt from a basket of unfolded but clean laundry would do. Another cup of the now cooling coffee sipped more slowly.

Turning off the coffee maker he grabbed his boots. Lacing them he gathered the energy needed for the day. Another long day. The bitterness of the coffee still on his breath he walked outside. The cool air of Autumn startled him. He should have worn a coat but walking back inside seemed to be too much effort.


	3. Chapter 3

Leaving base that evening he thought of his brothers. Thought of the convenience of his own silence. They didn't question his lack of participation in banter.

The leaves crunched below him as he approached the kennel to retrieve Cerberus. The dog excitedly jumping in his direction. Cerb always knew an off day.

On off day. Everyone had them. Days when they needed a hot shower and bitter coffee. A day where silence was solace.

It had gotten colder as he and Cerb walked toward his apartment. The wind that was cool earlier was brisk now. Cerb was content. Brock needed a sweatshirt at least befire their run. The sun would be setting soon but that bothered neither of them. The cool dark evening would envelop them and the wind would carry them.

He would go back to a time when everything was fine. A time before Ray's shoulder had killed a child forever changing his brother. Back to before the North Korea mission when losing Sonny was a reminder that their last day could be today. Back to before Alana and Manila. He would run back in time if he was capable.

As he ran with Cerberus leased to his waist he thought of the last two years. A part of him would always be sitting in a bar Blackburn telling them Alana was gone. In Havoc knowing Sonny's air was almost gone. He would always be desperately searching for something to improvise a junctional, sitting against a wall his head in his hands. And so he ran.


	4. Chapter 4

The leaves falling on him were nice. His thoughts drifted to home. It was strange that the Autumn of home and the Autumn of Chechnya were the same. The colors vibrant. The smell of decaying leaves. The crunch beneath him. It was all the same. Except this wasn't home. At home he had run with Cerb and here he was dying alone.

The blood dripping from his chest and the burning when he inhaled like the rain on his air conditioner and the feeling of the cool air as he ran. The wind howled and called to him swirling the leaves as he laid flat on his back looking up at the Autumn trees.

This was his favorite time of year. As his eyes started slipping closed he forced them to reopen. Thinking about the pumpkin pie Naima would make for Thanksgiving. He wondered for a second if they would still all gather for the holiday but knew they would. Sonny might even have pumpkin pie instead of pecan in his memory. His memory.

Fall and dying. He didn't think this is how it would feel. Somehow it was less painful than he expected. Maybe when you actually die that's just how it is. Maybe the pain his brothers would feel because of this would be enough and somehow that had spared him.

The blood spilled. The leaves fell. The wind blew. Brock's eyes slowly closed. He loved the Autumn.


	5. Chapter 5

The leaves once yellow and orange were stained red with his blood. Dark red blood. Trent would know what that meant, he wasn't sure it really mattered anymore. It was sticky now and making him wonder how long it had been coloring the leaves while he slept.

He thought he had dreamed of his brothers of them calling to him. He couldn't be sure. Havoc calling out Bravo 5. He doubted he would ever be able to ask them so that was another thing that didn't matter anymore.

The leaves below him were soft and comforting. He thought of Jameelah and RJ playing with Cerb in the piles at Ray's house. The dog was gentle with the pups.

The thought caused a laugh that turned into a cough. The cough caused a metallic taste to enter his mouth. Cerberus would never understand why he didn't come home. If he had been here he would know. Trent would know this though...would take Cerb to the morgue. The wind was colder now as the sun set in blues and pinks and filtered down to him below the trees. His brothers would take him home. If only for Cerb.


	6. Chapter 6

The night was colder than he expected. All around him he could hear the falling leaves as the wind carried them to the ground. Below him he could feel the coolness of his own blood. The stickiness on his chest as it dried. It was drying. The bleeding must have slowed a bit. Wondering if that meant he would survive the night to see the Autumn's beauty before his death or if it simply meant he had run out of blood to bleed.

Jason was going to be pissed. As the wind picked up and his body quivered the pain increased. Jason would be livid that he was left to die alone. He'd blame himself for it taking hours. The dark of night surrounded him as he shook and tried to breath through the pain. Yeah Jason would sulk after this.

The Autumn air swirled the leaves around him and the cold settled like the crispness of the leaves. He longed for Cerb or a blanket, anything to keep the cold at bay. Instead of a blanket or Cerberus he pulled some leaves onto himself.

The next wakening brought with it the first signs of dawn. The light was slow to gather and as it did so he also tried to gather his thoughts. He had made it through the night but knew the day brought with it a new set of danger. He thought back to SERE... he had survived the night but evasion seemed impossible.

The rays of sun glided through the patchwork of color in the trees. At least it would be pleasant on his last day. His brothers would find him in a beautiful place.


	7. Chapter 7

As the Autumn sky rose higher in the sky he wondered how long it would take. How long to die. How long after until his brothers found him.

The pain while worse wasn't the worst pain he had experienced. It wasn't unbearable and for that he was grateful... but his breathing was getting worse. He knew he had probably half the day left.

He hoped they found him before all the leaves above him fell. He wanted more than anything to share this place as it was now with them. If only there were here to see this, his final Autumn.

He thought of Ray and knew the man would see this place as close to God. Maybe it was. Maybe Ray would take comfort in that. With the colors, crisp air, and gentleness of the breeze this place was a holy place, a sacred to die.


	8. Chapter 8

He wondered if Clay felt this way in Manila. He hoped he had. The peace was nice. The quiet a comfort. The gentle breeze was no longer cool. It was a warm Autumn day. A nice day. His breathing was shallow now.

The yellow and orange leaves littered the ground around him. He wondered if he would lose consciousness before it happened. He hoped not.

It was getting closer to noon now. Half the day had gone. The sun was bright overhead slipping through the falling foliage. It warmed his face. The pain was almost gone now.

His radio was broken, had been since he went down. He'd fiddled with it a bit but it was beyond repair. His helmet to far away to hit the strobe.

Even knowing the radio was broken he instinctively reached for it. Depressing the button he spoke for the first time in almost two days. "All... Bravo... signs. The honor... was mine... five...out." There was so much more to say but his breath was short now.

The wind had stopped. The leaves clung to the trees above. The sound ceased in the forrest. Quiet settled over him. All alone for the first time he was scared. It was too quiet now. Slowly and lowly he began to hum. The melody was one he learned as a child from his mother. It reminded him of going to bed early for school, the Autumn outside his window, as he calmed. It calmed him now.


	9. Chapter 9

The firefight had been intense. The Chechen militia, better trained than expected, had held their own. Adding to that the fact was that the Russians absolutely could not know they were there. The mission had been doomed from the beginning.

When Jason went down panic filled Ray. Knowing all calls were now his was agonizing. He wanted to be 2IC not Bravo 1.

Trent knelling at Jason's side spoke urgently "We need exfill now." It was bad. Trent's voice had a hardness that the medic only got when he thought he might lose a brother today.

"We move to exfil then... Trent is he ready to go?" Ray lowered his eyes unable to look at any of them.

"The fuck Ray? We all move? What about 5? Brock is out there!" Sonny was ready to fight.

"Yeah Man, we're just leaving him?" The hurt and confusion from Clay almost broke him.

"We move to exfil and we do it now. Trent we good to go?"

"Yeah." That one word ripped him apart to say. Jason needed medical help he wasn't capable of providing but leaving Brock went against everything he knew.

"Havoc base to Bravo two sit-rep?" Blackburn sounded as if he himself were in pain.

"Bravo 2 to Havoc moving to exfil now. We are down Bravo 5..." His voice broke. He wondered what call Jason would make but he had promised himself he wouldn't let Emma and Mikey be orphans. He just wasn't sure if that promuse was now causing him to sacrifice another brother.

"Good cope 2. We'll send Cerb back with you."

If only it had been that easy. Intelligence suggested that the Russians knew something had happened and we moving towards the area. With no radio or strobe confirming his survival Brass had fought them going back for their brother. Jason who took three bullets in the first scrimmage fought to be allowed reentry to the area. After being officially denied he was not only angry at Ray for leaving Brock but also Trent and Blackburn for agreeing he needed to sit this one out.

The bullets that hit Jason had caused damage but would heal. A crack in his collar bone being the worst of it. He was unwilling to admit he would be useless in the field and had only agreed to stand down when Full Metal arrived 23 hours after Brock's disappearance. And yet they were still forced to wait.

It felt endless. Sonny paced and swore. Clay took apart and put together his sniper rifle repeatedly. Ray prayed and called Naima who knew better than to ask knowing that he couldn't tell her. Trent drank coffee and sat in havoc. Jason yelled. And it was all endless.

Finally at hour 40 they were given the green light to retrieve their brother. Bravo team minus Jason left. Jason sat in havoc. Sat with Davis listening to comms and trying to see something through the trees on ISR. Desperately searching for any sign of Bravo 5.

At hour 44 the crackle over comms "All... Bravo... signs. The honor... was mine... five... out."

Jason gasped as Blackburn grabbed a radio "Bravo 5 we read you. What is your location?... Bravo 5 how copy?... Bravo 5 come in..." The only response was humming. Brock clearly struggling for air and no longer able to hear havoc.

Jason sat down listening to Brock hum. The faint song was slow and melodic. He thought of his children as the tears fell down his face.


	10. Chapter 10

The soft hum coming through their comms did nothing to settle the uneasiness of Bravo. The sound was haunting. Worse than the words of goodbye from their brother. Worse than the occasional gasp, gag, grunt, and groan from him. The humming was torturous.

And then it ended. The sound gone and that was worse. "God damn it Brock, stay with us we're coming." The anger in Sonny's voice barely masked the desperation he felt.

"Bravo 5 don't you dare!" Trent's voice steady as the man started to shake.

Jason's heart felt like it was getting ripped out of him as he listened to his men beg over comms. He should be there, if for no other reason than to stabilize him team. He couldn't bring himself to trust Ray in this moment to do it and doubted his brothers would allow that anyway.

It was almost 4 minutes after the humming stopped that Jason finally heard it. "Alpha 1 to Havoc base we pass Indiana. I repeat we have Bravo 5." He could breathe again.

Trent's hands instantly stilled as he fell beside his brother and best friend. "Penetrating chest wound, simple pneumothorax, his pressure is tanking." Trent wasn't sure who if anyone he was talking to but felt the need to say what was happening in front of him as he cut away fabric and packed the seeping wound. Clay was across from him nodding, assisting, there.

"Fuck Trent wanna repeat that in English this time?" Sonny didn't want to know but he needed to know.

Clay's head snapped up "Son, he's got a GSW to his chest, part of his lung is collapsed, and he's lost too much blood. Trent's giving him blood and fluids and then we move to exfil." Trent couldn't help the small smile that flashed across his face. Clay saved him from translating. It was nice having a translator on the team.

As Trent gave him blood and fluids he became aware that he was no longer alone in the Autumn. His brothers came. He could show them this beautiful place after all. Slowly he opened his eyes and smiled at Clay explaining things to Sonny. Trent was smiling too.

"Hey brother, you with us?" Trent's words were soft and gentle. The words seemed strange coming from his usually harsh brother.

"It's beautiful here." The confusion on their faces made him frown, why didn't they see what he saw?

"Yer gonna be just fine, gonna git ya home." Sonny's accent seemed stronger.

"Just relax, everything will be okay. Pain level?" Trent was pulling out morphine. He didn't need it... nothing hurt that badly.

"Jace? Where's Jace?" Was this why they hadn't come for so long? Was he gone?

"He's fine. Or will be. Pain level?" Trent had the syringe ready.

"It's too beautiful here for pain." Brock coughed and blood ran from his mouth. "Clay please look around. It's amazing. Clay... Clay, please see it. See how beautiful it is."

Sinking back onto his heels and feeling the warmth of the Autumn sun he did see. The colors were vibrant and the breeze was gentle. This was a place of beauty.

"Hey Goldilocks you coming?" The nickname from Sonny snapped him back to reality.

"Yeah... just trying to see what he saw for the last two days."

"How 'bout we get the hell outta here so it's not the last thing he sees?" Full Metal was done with the talking, it was time for moving.

"Bravo 2 to Havoc moving to exfill."

Carried by his brothers he looked up to the trees. The colors danced before his eyes. Greens mixed with yellows and oranges. The red, a bright red, unlike the blood from his chest. The wind washed over him and the sun caressed his face. The crunch of five pairs of boots on the leaf littered ground was like music. Yes he loved the Autumn.


	11. Chapter 11

Brock woke in the sterile hospital room surrounded by white. There was no color here. No sunlight filtering through the trees. There was no cool Autumn breeze blowing. There was an uneasiness, a confusion and there was pain.

The pain in his chest was burning and weighted. It felt like digging in the hot coals of a campire with each breath in. Each exhale was an explosion, pressure holding him back from completely expelling the air.

He quickly closed his eyes that were only slanted and thought of the Chechen forrest. He imagined himself back there on the soft ground surrounded by the beautiful place. He remembered the colors and the wind. He tried to remember the smell of decaying leaves around him but could only seem to smell antiseptic. He wanted to remember the sound of the leaves gliding to the ground with a gentleness that only existed in Autumn. He longed to hear the leaves but all he could hear was a humming melody...soft and kind.

Cracking him eyes he turned his head to the sound. Clay sat in the chair his head back and his eyes closed. The song the man hummed wasn't one Brock knew.

Reaching for Clay his hand landed on the man's knee. Clay startled but tried his best not to flinch. His humming stopped and he looked embarrassed at having been caught.

"What song?" Brock's raspy voice sounded strange to his own ears.

"Just something my grandmother used to sing... It's um it's called All the Pretty Horses. She sang it to me when I was a kid." Clay looked down.

"You still are a kid." Brock remembered humming on the forrest floor so far away and wondered if he had still been humming when they found him.

"So you all say." Clay smiled. "I should uh let the guys know you're awake. The surgery went well by the way. They expect a full recovery." Clay tried to change the subject.

"I hummed." Brock looked at him trying to gauge how much to say, not fully remembering Bravo's arrival at his rescue.

"I know. That's uh why I was...thought maybe it would uh... somehow be ah comforting." Again Clay's eyes darted to the floor.

"It was." Brock smiled at him as his eyes became heavy and drifted shut.


	12. Chapter 12

It was a blessing to die slowly. It allowed him the time to let the beauty surround him. It gave him time to enjoy his last moments of the Autumn. It gave his brothers time to find him, to save him.

He was grateful for that time. He could forever close his eyes and see the Chechen forrest in the fall. A part of him thought that should be traumatic but it wasn't, it filled him with peace. He could only hope that when his last day came it reminded him of those two days laying on his back watching the leaves tumble to the ground as a gentle breeze coasted across the forrest floor.

He wished he could explain to his brothers. But they would never understand. The guilt in their eyes was all he could see. Guilt for leaving him. Guilt for taking so long to return. Guilt for not being able to return. Guilt. He tried his best to smile at them, to somehow relieve that guilt but there were no words he could find to make this better.

They stayed with him in shifts for the nine days he was hospitalized. Nine days of them looking to the floor. Nine days of over-compensation, of jumping to get him whatever he needed, when what he needed most was for them to see what he saw for two days.

He thought back to the times when he had almost lost them. Wondered if he had looked at them with guilt in his eyes. Wondered if they had felt this way.

Trent insisted on taking him home to his house. Said he needed taking care of and Cerberus was already there anyway being the excuse. He missed his dog.

Clay hummed when no one was around and he thought Brock was sleeping. He had said it was to comfort him. Brock suspected the quiet was bothering Clay. He wasn't sure exactly why but refused to upset Clay with the discussion.

Jason with his arm in a sling sat for hours. Mumbled something about having eyes on Brock. But Jason rarely looked at him.

Ray apologized for leaving him but only when he was sleeping, like Clay's humming. The man sat in silence mostly with hands clasped. Brock suspected he was asking forgiveness from more than Brock.

Sonny was the most 'normal' of his brothers. He attempted jokes at first until laughing proved painful for Brock. After he would just ramble about nothing in particular and offer to buy the next round at the bar. It was a forced normalcy.

In the rare moments when he was left alone Brock's mind drifted back to the Autumn in Chechnya. To the colors and the beauty of the place. More than anything he had wanted to share that with them but somehow they hadn't seen it. The peace he found there seemed to be the cause of their torment and he couldn't figure out how to undo that for them, to show them the place he had found.


	13. Chapter 13

After about a week at Trent's house Brock was going stir crazy and started to feel slightly like Sonny. The walls were closing in and he longed for freedom. Longed to be with someone who wasn't plagued with a guilt he didn't understand.

"I'd like to come along when you go to base today... I know I can't really do anything there but it'd be nice to get out for a bit. Maybe take Cerb along?" He found himself saying more words to fill the void that his brother's silence was creating. Trent simply nodded in return.

Once on base Trent went to the gym with Sonny and Clay leaving Brock with Ray in the cages. Ray shifted uncomfortably until making up an excuse about checking on Jason and leaving. The avoidance was getting old and he needed answers. Luckly for Brock he knew where to find those answers.

"Hey Davis I need a favor?" He leaned on the door frame to the office she had temporarily been assigned.

"Brock! I didn't know you were here." Her smile was real and reassuring. It was a welcome relief. "What can I do for you?"

"I uh I know there was no ISR but I'd like to listen to the audio recordings from the last op." Brock's eyes were locked on hers. He exuded a determination she didn't quite understand.

"Brock... are you sure?" Bravo was about to be pissed but the man before her had a right to it... it was his life almost lost.

"I am." That stubbornness of his was showing itself again and Davis knew she was powerless.

With a few clicks of her keyboard she stood and walked to the door. Settling a hand on his arm, her smile kind but apprehensive "Brock if you need me I'll be right outside."

He listened to the comms from the initial firefight. Listened as Trent told Ray they needed extraction. Listened as Ray ordered it and Sonny and Clay argued against it. Listened as Blackburn promised to send them back.

He knew it was almost two days before they returned. And there were no comms for the communication during that time. He tried not to imagine the tensions and anger within his brothers during that time but couldn't stop himself.

The only thing left to listen to now was his rescue. His hands shook as he reached to hit play. He had been there, been conscious but maybe not fully aware and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it. But the all consuming guilt in their eyes motivated him. He had to hear this for them.

He listened as they moved into the woods. Listened to every sitrep, every curse from Sonny, every stumble on the terrain, every question and answer to Havoc. And then he heard his own goodbye. His comms had worked... He listened and listened as he hummed his Mama's song and then he stopped. He listened as they begged and he was silent. He listened and he understood.

Passing Davis forty-five minutes after hijacking her office he smiled his thanks and kept walking. Cerberus by his side he reentered the cages. His brothers quieted as if they knew where he had been.

"I listened to the audio from the op." He needed to confirm that they were all on the same page before this conversation.

"Davis said" Sonny looked up with sadness mixed with the ever present guilt with his blue eyes.

"So... all this... guilt or whatever... it has to stop." Brock looked from one brother to the next.

Jason leaned forward and grabbed the chainlink of his cage, his back to them all. "Shouldn't have happened."

"I made the only call I could make Jace. Are you every going to stop hating me for that?" Ray's words were angry but also hurt.

"It wasn't just you who made the call Ray. I told you Jason needed exfil. I told you we had to go." Trent carried his own weight in guilt and then some for his brother.

"Whole damn op was like being fed a shit sandwich." Sonny's two cents were added.

Clay lowered his head but didn't say a word and that was almost worse. The silence reminded Brock of the lack of humming on comms. Of the fear that must have risen within them thinking they were so close yet too late.

"Can I say something or are we all too busy being pissed at each other?" He waited for their eyes before continuing. "I'm good. I'm not sure how or why but I am. That place... it was beautiful and I spent that time watching the Autumn and being grateful for it. I wasn't and I'm not mad at you. Any of you. Honestly I didn't expect you to come... and not in a 'you let me down' way. I was just content. At the end... that was a little scary but then you were all there, most of you, the uninjured ones and I just wanted you to see how beautiful it was. And none of you would." He stopped, realizing he was rambling for maybe the first time in his life and looked down to the floor.

"Brother... I saw how beautiful it was." Clay who in the last almost two weeks had not said much finally spoke.

"I've always loved Autumn. It uh symbolizes dying... but damn is it beautiful."

As they left to return to Trent's, this time all six of them, Brock thought of the symbolism if Autumn. Maybe it did represent dying but maybe that gave him comfort. The beauty of the Autumn calmed him and put him at peace. Maybe that would be the case when it was his time. Maybe then he would have calm and be peaceful. As the last of the Autumn leaves fell to the ground he smiled to himself knowing that the symbolism didn't really matter, he just loved Autumn.


End file.
